My weight loss struggle.
Getting my stuff together.Keepin’ it simple.
Got up today and worked out again ! (In the interest of full disclosure, I have today off from work.)
This is the third morning that I have gotten up and exercised. I didn’t get up this weekend and exercise because Saturday we were supposed to go walk at the park, and Sunday morning I had my feeding of the homeless. So the exercise did not end up happening, but we did have some free fun together as a family, which was cool. We’re all about free or cheap fun these days.
I’m trying to just chill out and not get so worked up about everything. I tend to make things so complicated that they can’t be done. I know that I’ve said that before, but it’s a definite struggle for me. I come up with these complex plans and then I can’t follow through with them, and then I feel like a failure, which causes me to eat and be a slob.
I am just taking things easy. I am concentrating on working out with an exercise DVD at home every morning of the week. That’s easy enough. I am making sure that things are done, so I can do this. It’s amazing how many other things fall into place when I pick one thing to focus on. Ironic, huh?
I shouldn’t say that exercise is the only thing I am focusing on…that’s not completely true. I am also only eating dessert on Saturdays. (Still working on that!) I am making a point to eat better, and drink more water, but I am not making elaborate plans. I am just focusing on making sure that I work out every day in the mornings. This feels good, and manageable!
Sounds like the beginning of a good habit!
I worked out in the morning, two days in a row!
Yesterday, I woke up to feelings of anxiety. I’ve been really stressed out about the politics of work, and couldn’t sleep any longer. It was about 4:30. So, I decided to take that stress and turn it into something productive. I finished my lesson plans, did laundry, made myself a healthy breakfast (fruit smoothie!), and pulled out the long ago purchased DVD, “3 mile walk.” It felt so good. I felt like I was living my best life. The next day (today), I got up and did the same thing again. And tonight, when I was really craving ice cream, I went and made myself a fruit smoothie (just frozen fruit and juice.)
I am just focusing on one day at a time, and getting what needs to get done. This could be the beginning of very good habits.
From journey to struggle.
I recently changed the “tag” on my blog.
It once said, “My weight loss journey.” Now, it says, “My weight loss struggle.”
“Struggle” feels more accurate. I am struggling to keep my head above the fray. I am struggling to even care. And yet, I am still pressing on, trying to make better decisions, and honor my values.
This probably sounds so silly, but I fantacize about heing able to go shopping at Target, of all places. My clothing budget is almost non-existent these days, so Target (pronounce it right– Tar-JEY!) is haute coture for me!
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I finally received my contract for next year. Looks like I’ll be headed back into the madness. While I hate my place of employment, it is definitely strengthening my resolve, and making me more resilient. I am learning a lot about myself, and while I don’t like everything that I am discovering, it is keeping me honest, and is making me a better version of me; I can’t ask for better than that.
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I found out that I made it to the final step in a leadership program for which I applied. My interview is today. It’s something that I really want to do. I pray that the interview goes well today, and that I am accepted. I am excited about the program for a number of reasons, but I am excited most of all because I think that it would help me to become a more confident person.
Please excuse the typos and grammar mistakes in these last few posts. I don’t really have the time to write much these days. In order to keep this blog going, I just have to do it, which means the writing isn’t often brillant, and the prose has frequent errors.
Thanks for joining the ride in spite of those flaws.
Random Thoughts
Obviously, I am hanging on to this blog by a thread. But I havn’t completely stopped posting because this blog is the only thing that is keeping my accountable to my goals. I’ve been super busy, and very stressed out by my job. My Perfect Schedule has been changed because of budget cuts happening in the incompetent jurisdiction for which he works. Life is being lived. Here’s some thoughts to catch you up to speed…
- I looked in the mirror recently and realized that I don’t recognize my body. I see it, but I am disconnected from it. Long ago, I wrote a poem about how I used to run from mirrors. I realize that I’ve started doing it again.
- We narrowly missed a tornado a few weeks ago. Twice. It was totally divine intervention. We even saw one, as we drove by, golf ball sized hail hitting my car, saying, “Is that a tornado?”
- The anticipation of an event is worse than the actual event.
- I finally spoke up for myself at work.
- Life is precious.
- Dr. Phil, who I am not a fan of, once said that people keep doing the same behaviors because they get some benefit out of it. I keep wondering what benefit do I get out of remaining fat? The only thing that I have come up with is that worrying about what I am eating and working out requires effort that I am too lazy to commit to right now, so I don’t. Could that really be the case?
- Two months left in the school year. I can’t wait for it to be over. If I never teach ______ _______ again, I’ll be so happy!
- I am actively working to be grateful that the job that I hate, with the crazy people with whom I work. Lots of people are losing their homes, gas is hella expensive, and jobs are being outsourced everyday. I thank God for my piece of crazy.
Have a safe flight
I’m in Hometown Coastal City, in the house in which I grew up, visiting my parents and siblings.
Da Da, The Little One, and I drove down for a few days. With mortgage costs, a car note, and day care expenses, we don’t have much disposable income to put toward gas for road trips, but we worked it out, and made our way down.
Yesterday, we went to the beach right at sunset and just looked at the ocean. It was so peaceful. I felt that all was right with the world. I felt immediate clarity on so many issues. As children, we rarely came to the beach, even though our house is twenty minutes from the ocean. I’m not quite sure why we didn’t go to the beach more often. I suspect that visiting that beach brought back painful memories for my parents, as the local beach was forbidden to them during their childhoods due to segregation and Jim Crow.
This weekend, I was able to see six of my eight siblings, and two of my ten nieces/nephews. (I also have a grand-niece and nephew, and one on the way, but that’s a whole ‘nother story as they say.) It’s been nice to see family, and the trip has been pretty drama free.
One of my brothers– The Special One– who is a marine, will be shipped off to Iraq in two months. It will be his first time to Iraq. He will be stationed in Fallujah.
I have so many feelings, and so many things that I would like to say to him, but he functions and exists in a reality in which I do not live. I do not understand much of anything about him. I, and most of my siblings, deal with him in superficial terms. We just smile and nod at his asinine comments, and emotional outbreaks. If he didn’t look so much like my mother, I would believe that he wasn’t related to us.
If our relationship was “normal,” I would write him a long letter, and tell him that I loved him, and that no matter his choices in life, we would always be family. I would tell him to be careful, and to think long and hard about the implications and consequences of recent life choices. I would tell him that I think that his wife is playing him. (I think that I would tell him this. I hope that I would be able to tell him this.) I would tell him not to forget where he comes from, and to write often. I would tell him to make good with my father before he left. I would tell him to explain to my parents why he did what he did. I would tell him to make peace with his twin, and to pay my uncle back the money that he borrowed. I would tell him that I am sorry for any wrongs that I have committed against him, and that I forgive him for scratching my Mary J CD when I was 18 and he was 14. I would tell him that no matter what he sees at war, that we will still love him, and that he can always come home.
But we don’t have that type of relationship.
So, I’ll just tell him to have a safe flight.
Phat and Fly.
I have the bad habit of not paying attention to my physical needs when my weight is up. When I have been thinner, I have been really particular about my clothing. I’ve gotten my hair done regularly, and have been rather cute, if I do say so myself. But once the weight goes up, I get depressed, and just let it all go. Well, the past week, I have been working on that. I got my hair done, got my eyebrows threaded, and even puchased a few new items of clothing (thank GOD for Old Navy.com) It made me feel so much better at me. I have a friend (who just happens to have the same usual first name as me) who once said that she never let herself look a “hot mess” no matter what size she was at. (Sorry for the preposition at the end of the sentence.) Well, I am trying to channel that vibe for myself…So if you must, call me PHAT and FLY!
Ready, set, go…!
It’s late. But we’re all prepared for tomorrow. The Little One’s food is made. His clothes are laid out. I know what I’m wearing. My bag is all packed for work. The alarm clock is set. The house is clean (relatively speaking.) I am dressed for the gym, and am going in the morning. I won’t be getting much sleep tonight, but it’s okay. I am all jazzed and excited about going to the Y. I will not turn the alarm clock in my sleep…I will go the Y. I will work out for 45 minutes. It will be great!
stressed out by work
I am actively stressed out by work. Iwillnoteatadanish……Iwillnoteatcomfortfood….Iwillnothaveahystericalfit…Iwillnotprocrastinate…It willbeokay…..
AM at the Y
Finally. Finally, we’ve got a routine as a household. We’ve gotten into a groove. Da Da takes care of The Little One in the mornings. He changes his diaper, brushes his teeth, and does all the little details that kids need in the mornings. It’s so cute; The Little One will even go get his wipes and bring them to us and can tell us what’s in his diaper. Da Da fixes the banana-honey-rice milk-oatmeal for The Little One, feeds him, gets him dressed (in outfits much better than the ones that I tend to choose,) makes the coffee, and drops him to day care (we switched to a place on the way to his job, which has made life so much easier.) We usually get up at about 5:30, and both leave around 7:15. I carpool to work with two coworkers who pick me up at the front door. In the afternoons, I arrive home first usually by 4:45 (one of the few perks of teaching.) I come home relax for a few, and then cook a nutritious meal for all of us that is on the table by 6:30ish. (The Little One has bad allergies to milk, soy, eggs, and wheat…so he gets his own special super healthy meals.) Da Da picks up The Little One from day care and arrives home between 6:15 and 6:30. We eat dinner together, and then I put The Little One to bed by 8:00, while Da Da cleans the kitchen. It’s been pretty smooth sailing, and this has worked well for us as a family. At the beginning of the school year, we really struggled about how to make the “Juggle” work for us. I felt so tired and overwhelmed. I was on the edge all the time. Things are much better now. While this schedule works well for us as a family, it is still missing something important: exercise. We have not fit in exercise. Neither one of us. We had been taking walks as a family on Sunday mornings, but somehow that stopped. Making a commitment to something means making time for it. I am going to have to exercise in the mornings. I would love to exercise in the evenings without disrupting Our Best System, but I can’t figure out how to make that work without rushing out the door as soon as I come, which I wouldn’t enjoy. I like taking walks, but walking around my subdivision in the afternoons bores me big time. I know that I’ve come up with lots of different potential schedules since I have been writing this blog, and part of me feels really embarassed about that. I keep wondering why I just can’t pick something and stick with it. But I have to keep trying until I get something that works for me and my family. I have to keep trying until I get it right. I’m really not trying to have perfection, just something that works and keep me in balance. (That’s me being defensive with myself!) I’m more of a morning person, so off to the Y at 5:15am is what I am trying now. I can work out from 5:30 to 6:15, be back home by 6:30, and ready for work 7:00.
Small goals.
I was rereading Dr. Gullo’s interview that I linked to yesterday. He recommends small goals. So, for the umpteenth time, I am regrouping, and trying a new approach.
While my ultimate goal is to lose 100 pounds, my (new) current small goal is to lose five pounds. My goal is to lose five pounds by March 13. I will lose five pounds by walking or exercising for 45 minutes a day, by drinking at least ten glasses of water a day, and by eating three meals and two snacks a day. I will weigh myself every morning to track my progress. I will not eat after 8:00 at night. I will allow myself dessert on Fridays only. I will deal with my emotions, and the stress of my crazy job, by writing in my journal (which says “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined. –Thoreau” on the cover.) Or I will express my feelings on this blog.
Sounds simple enough, right?
