It’s been a long while since I posted. Not only am I teaching full-time, I also got a side gig, working at  a non-profit serving under-resourced kids. My husband is also back in school, and working full-time. Plus, you know, our toddler, who just turned 2 on Friday!

Yes, that title is lame.

6 pounds down.

But I have to say it again: “Yo go, girl!”

I didn’t mean to disappear for so long. The last few weeks of April and all of May were very stressful. I am here though, and the struggle continues. As of yesterday, I started prescription appetite suppressants. While in theory, I am against the over-medication of Americans, I felt like I needed a jump start. We’ll see where this takes me…

Got up today and worked out again ! (In the interest of full disclosure, I have today off from work.)

This is the third morning that I have gotten up and exercised. I didn’t get up this weekend and exercise because Saturday we were supposed to go walk at the park, and Sunday morning I had my feeding of the homeless. So the exercise did not end up happening, but we did have some free fun together as a family, which was cool. We’re all about free or cheap fun these days.

I’m trying to just chill out and not get so worked up about everything. I tend to make things so complicated that they can’t be done. I know that I’ve said that before, but it’s a definite struggle for me. I come up with these complex plans and then I can’t follow through with them, and then I feel like a failure, which causes me to eat and be a slob.

I am just taking things easy. I am concentrating on working out with an exercise DVD at home every morning of the week. That’s easy enough. I am making sure that things are done, so I can do this. It’s amazing how many other things fall into place when I pick one thing to focus on. Ironic, huh?

I shouldn’t say that exercise is the only thing I am focusing on…that’s not completely true. I am also only eating dessert on Saturdays. (Still working on that!)  I am making a point to eat better, and drink more water, but I am not making elaborate plans. I am just focusing on making sure that I work out every day in the mornings. This feels good, and manageable!

Sounds like the beginning of a good habit!

Yesterday, I woke up to feelings of anxiety. I’ve been really stressed out about the politics of work, and couldn’t sleep any longer. It was about 4:30. So, I decided to take that stress and turn it into something productive. I finished my lesson plans, did laundry, made myself a healthy breakfast (fruit smoothie!), and pulled out the long ago purchased DVD, “3 mile walk.” It felt so good. I felt like I was living my best life. The next day (today), I got up and did the same thing again. And tonight, when I was really craving ice cream, I went and made myself a fruit smoothie (just frozen fruit  and juice.)

I am just focusing on one day at a time, and getting what needs to get done. This could be the beginning of very good habits.

I am actively stressed out by work. Iwillnoteatadanish……Iwillnoteatcomfortfood….Iwillnothaveahystericalfit…Iwillnotprocrastinate…It willbeokay…..

Finally. Finally, we’ve got a routine as a household. We’ve gotten into a groove. Da Da takes care of The Little One in the mornings. He changes his diaper, brushes his teeth, and does all the little details that kids need in the mornings. It’s so cute; The Little One will even go get his wipes and bring them to us and can tell us what’s in his diaper. Da Da fixes the banana-honey-rice milk-oatmeal for The Little One, feeds him, gets him dressed (in outfits much better than the ones that I tend to choose,) makes the coffee, and drops him to day care (we switched to a place on the way to his job, which has made life so much easier.) We usually get up at about 5:30, and both leave around 7:15. I carpool to work with two coworkers who pick me up at the front door. In the afternoons, I arrive home first usually by 4:45 (one of the few perks of teaching.) I come home relax for a few, and then cook a nutritious meal for all of us that is on the table by 6:30ish. (The Little One has bad allergies to milk, soy, eggs, and wheat…so he gets his own special super healthy meals.) Da Da picks up The Little One from day care and arrives home between 6:15 and 6:30. We eat dinner together, and then I put The Little One to bed by 8:00, while Da Da cleans the kitchen. It’s been pretty smooth sailing, and this has worked well for us as a family. At the beginning of the school year, we really struggled about how to make the “Juggle” work for us. I felt so tired and overwhelmed. I was on the edge all the time. Things are much better now. While this schedule works well for us as a family, it is still missing something important: exercise. We have not fit in exercise. Neither one of us. We had been taking walks as a family on Sunday mornings, but somehow that stopped. Making a commitment to something means making time for it.  I am going to have to exercise in the mornings. I would love to exercise in the evenings without disrupting Our Best System, but I can’t figure out how to make that work without rushing out the door as soon as I come, which I wouldn’t enjoy. I like taking walks, but walking around my subdivision in the afternoons bores me big time. I know that I’ve come up with lots of different potential schedules since I have been writing this blog, and part of me feels really embarassed about that. I keep wondering why I just can’t pick something and stick with it. But I have to keep trying until I get something that works for me and my family. I have to keep trying until I get it right. I’m really not trying to have perfection, just something that works and keep me in balance. (That’s me being defensive with myself!) I’m more of a morning person, so off to the Y at 5:15am is what I am trying now. I can work out from 5:30 to 6:15, be back home by 6:30, and ready for work 7:00. 

I took some time to write. I feel better already. Life is a blessing, and God I am thankful for it.

I got on the scale a few days ago. No progress, but no gaining either.

It’s been a rough couple of weeks with work. I am just drained. Teaching is really hard.

I never wanted this blog to be a journal of depression. But I guess in life, we have highs and lows, and I’d be being fake if I didn’t address those.

I have got to figure out a way to stop taking things so personally. I had a really bad interaction with a parent that just ruined my week. I still haven’t completely snapped out of it. But it hurt really badly, and I comforted myself with ice cream, cookies, etc. I started focusing on all that was wrong, instead of all that is right.

Anyway, am taking today to conciously work on being happy, being grateful, and finding a good therapist! Just someone to help me restructure how I think about things, how I take crticism, and how to work on my perfectionist tendencies.

Finally.

This morning, I got on the scale again. At first it said 251. But then The Little One got on the scale and I noticed that it said 24 pounds, which was correct, or maybe even higher than his actual weight. So I got on it again. This time, it said 246 pounds.

I am going with the 246.

That’s one pound LOST.

I have never been happier about ONE pound before.

It’s just what I needed. Yesterday, as you know, was not a great day. I just felt overwhelmed, crappy, my foot hurt, Da-Da (my Hubby) came home with The Little One, just as I was about to take a nap. I forgot that it was Da-Da’s late night at work, and the thought of dealing with toddlerhood was just too much. I spiraled. Chips out of the bag were consumed. Sherbet was consumed. Trail mix was downed. I was not dealing very well. I don’t want to dwell on yesterday, but it definitely reminded me that I MUST be prepared. I dealt with the stress with food, and that’s what got me here. I felt fat and ugly and bad and just that my life was awful and that I made lots of mistakes and howdidigetherewhatbaoutgraduateschoolandallthiscreditcarddebtandshouldwehavepurchasedthehouseandwhydoimakelessthanimademyfirstyearoutofcollege………………….wallow, wallow, wallow. Yea, it was a bit pathetic.

I plead Human.

I know that I keep referencing the Year I Lost Weight, but things keep coming back to me. That year I made audio tapes to myself that told me that I could do it, that I could lose weight. I was rewriting the script in my brain. A little bit of self-hynosis. I got that idea from Stephen Gullo in the book, “Thin Tastes Better.” That really helped me. I may have to create some tapes again. About stress, eating, and leading a purposeful life.