My weight loss struggle.
Getting my stuff together.Archive for figuring it all out
On point.
I’m still going. My diet has kind of morphed into a vegetarian (except for some occasional sushi that has shrimp or crab in it…) diet full of lots of vegetables and fruit. I am struggling to eat a pound of raw vegetables a day, but I am eating so much better than I have in a really long time. I even had a black beans, brown rice, and fresh salsa “pocket” today; the thought of eating something like that without cheese or chicken would have blown me away a few weeks ago. How’s that for progress? Discovering vegetables is actually kind of fun..
It gets easier, but I am dreaming of ice cream.
Gosh, I could really use some pralines and cream ice cream…have to remember the mantra: “Thin tastes better!”
I feel so much lighter and healthier, and in control than I have felt in a long time. I have to push thru!
I walked again today, and it felt so good. It was almost euphoric. It wasn’t like before (I started eating right.) I felt (almost) like I could run if I wanted. I am taking slow right now. Just walking at a an almost leisurely pace to make sure that I moving, but I am not stressing myself out. I don’t want to hurt these old tired bones and muscles.
I started eating a bit of bread with peanut butter– it keeps me from getting mean;)
From journey to struggle.
I recently changed the “tag” on my blog.
It once said, “My weight loss journey.” Now, it says, “My weight loss struggle.”
“Struggle” feels more accurate. I am struggling to keep my head above the fray. I am struggling to even care. And yet, I am still pressing on, trying to make better decisions, and honor my values.
This probably sounds so silly, but I fantacize about heing able to go shopping at Target, of all places. My clothing budget is almost non-existent these days, so Target (pronounce it right– Tar-JEY!) is haute coture for me!
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I finally received my contract for next year. Looks like I’ll be headed back into the madness. While I hate my place of employment, it is definitely strengthening my resolve, and making me more resilient. I am learning a lot about myself, and while I don’t like everything that I am discovering, it is keeping me honest, and is making me a better version of me; I can’t ask for better than that.
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I found out that I made it to the final step in a leadership program for which I applied. My interview is today. It’s something that I really want to do. I pray that the interview goes well today, and that I am accepted. I am excited about the program for a number of reasons, but I am excited most of all because I think that it would help me to become a more confident person.
Please excuse the typos and grammar mistakes in these last few posts. I don’t really have the time to write much these days. In order to keep this blog going, I just have to do it, which means the writing isn’t often brillant, and the prose has frequent errors.
Thanks for joining the ride in spite of those flaws.
Random Thoughts
Obviously, I am hanging on to this blog by a thread. But I havn’t completely stopped posting because this blog is the only thing that is keeping my accountable to my goals. I’ve been super busy, and very stressed out by my job. My Perfect Schedule has been changed because of budget cuts happening in the incompetent jurisdiction for which he works. Life is being lived. Here’s some thoughts to catch you up to speed…
- I looked in the mirror recently and realized that I don’t recognize my body. I see it, but I am disconnected from it. Long ago, I wrote a poem about how I used to run from mirrors. I realize that I’ve started doing it again.
- We narrowly missed a tornado a few weeks ago. Twice. It was totally divine intervention. We even saw one, as we drove by, golf ball sized hail hitting my car, saying, “Is that a tornado?”
- The anticipation of an event is worse than the actual event.
- I finally spoke up for myself at work.
- Life is precious.
- Dr. Phil, who I am not a fan of, once said that people keep doing the same behaviors because they get some benefit out of it. I keep wondering what benefit do I get out of remaining fat? The only thing that I have come up with is that worrying about what I am eating and working out requires effort that I am too lazy to commit to right now, so I don’t. Could that really be the case?
- Two months left in the school year. I can’t wait for it to be over. If I never teach ______ _______ again, I’ll be so happy!
- I am actively working to be grateful that the job that I hate, with the crazy people with whom I work. Lots of people are losing their homes, gas is hella expensive, and jobs are being outsourced everyday. I thank God for my piece of crazy.
AM at the Y
Finally. Finally, we’ve got a routine as a household. We’ve gotten into a groove. Da Da takes care of The Little One in the mornings. He changes his diaper, brushes his teeth, and does all the little details that kids need in the mornings. It’s so cute; The Little One will even go get his wipes and bring them to us and can tell us what’s in his diaper. Da Da fixes the banana-honey-rice milk-oatmeal for The Little One, feeds him, gets him dressed (in outfits much better than the ones that I tend to choose,) makes the coffee, and drops him to day care (we switched to a place on the way to his job, which has made life so much easier.) We usually get up at about 5:30, and both leave around 7:15. I carpool to work with two coworkers who pick me up at the front door. In the afternoons, I arrive home first usually by 4:45 (one of the few perks of teaching.) I come home relax for a few, and then cook a nutritious meal for all of us that is on the table by 6:30ish. (The Little One has bad allergies to milk, soy, eggs, and wheat…so he gets his own special super healthy meals.) Da Da picks up The Little One from day care and arrives home between 6:15 and 6:30. We eat dinner together, and then I put The Little One to bed by 8:00, while Da Da cleans the kitchen. It’s been pretty smooth sailing, and this has worked well for us as a family. At the beginning of the school year, we really struggled about how to make the “Juggle” work for us. I felt so tired and overwhelmed. I was on the edge all the time. Things are much better now. While this schedule works well for us as a family, it is still missing something important: exercise. We have not fit in exercise. Neither one of us. We had been taking walks as a family on Sunday mornings, but somehow that stopped. Making a commitment to something means making time for it. I am going to have to exercise in the mornings. I would love to exercise in the evenings without disrupting Our Best System, but I can’t figure out how to make that work without rushing out the door as soon as I come, which I wouldn’t enjoy. I like taking walks, but walking around my subdivision in the afternoons bores me big time. I know that I’ve come up with lots of different potential schedules since I have been writing this blog, and part of me feels really embarassed about that. I keep wondering why I just can’t pick something and stick with it. But I have to keep trying until I get something that works for me and my family. I have to keep trying until I get it right. I’m really not trying to have perfection, just something that works and keep me in balance. (That’s me being defensive with myself!) I’m more of a morning person, so off to the Y at 5:15am is what I am trying now. I can work out from 5:30 to 6:15, be back home by 6:30, and ready for work 7:00.
Small goals.
I was rereading Dr. Gullo’s interview that I linked to yesterday. He recommends small goals. So, for the umpteenth time, I am regrouping, and trying a new approach.
While my ultimate goal is to lose 100 pounds, my (new) current small goal is to lose five pounds. My goal is to lose five pounds by March 13. I will lose five pounds by walking or exercising for 45 minutes a day, by drinking at least ten glasses of water a day, and by eating three meals and two snacks a day. I will weigh myself every morning to track my progress. I will not eat after 8:00 at night. I will allow myself dessert on Fridays only. I will deal with my emotions, and the stress of my crazy job, by writing in my journal (which says “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined. –Thoreau” on the cover.) Or I will express my feelings on this blog.
Sounds simple enough, right?
Moist, double layer, yellow cake with chocolate icing, I abjure you!
So proud of myself. Yesterday, we had a reception at work where the sole food was delicious (I am guessing) double layer yellow cake with moist chocolate icing. I didn’t eat it. Drool? Yes. Eat? No.
Can I get a virtual high five?
Dr. Stephen Gullo is right, thin tastes better.
The tortise won the race.
I’m back.
I didn’t mean to disappear for the last nine days. I’ve just had a lot on my mind. About my life, my future, my past mistakes, etc. and I haven’t felt like writing haven’t wanted this blog to turn into a pity party about everything that is wrong with the world. So I didn’t write.
I’ve also been trying to decide whether this blog should be dedicated only to my weight loss or to writing about other parts of my life.
It’s all connected, right?
My feelings of spirtual depravity, community frustration, and boredom tie directly into what I decide to put into my body. I do know this, but somehow I don’t want to write about this here. If I was being completely honest with you, I’d be ranting right now about how I am tired of pretending to be something that I am not. I’d be writing about feeling frustration with the fact that I feel like I have made some really bad decisions over the past couple of years that have sent my life on a path that I don’t want. I’d be writing about how I feel this country is going to hell in a hand basket, and how I feel like I can’t do anything about it.
But this is a weight loss blog. So, who wants to read about that? I have a blessed life. A life that many would envy. I have a kind, faithful husband who loves me dearly. A beautiful, bright, loving son. A great house. A job where I am respected. etc. How dare I whine about clothing sizes, missed opportunities, and credit card bills that I created? How dare I?
So, I won’t.
I have not stood on the scale in a while. On purpose. I’ve just wanted to focus on being healthier, and making my habits natural. I feel like I have been doing a good job. Of course, there is still room for improvement, but my clothes feel looser, my skin is clearer, and my cravings for ice cream are down. Making exercise a regular habit is still so hard for me. I don’t know whether it’s laziness or fatigue. I do know that if I keep doing what I am doing, I will lose weight. It will just take a long time. But didn’t the tortise win the race. This pace feels organic, but I want to be even better.
Today, on the way to work, I heard that the FDA approved the sale of cloned meat in the US. No labels will be put on the products to alert consumers. “Caveat Emptor“(Let the beware beware) has never rang truer.
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Inspired by a friend who has lost 30 pounds walking with the “walk away the pounds” dvd, I went out and purchased the 3 mile walk. I haven’t put in the dvd yet, but I plan to tonight. If I don’t exercise in the morning, I just won’t exercise. I plan to weigh myself on Saturday morning. I will post the results then.
I will also post some pics in the coming week.
My body is a temple, Goals for the week, and other thoughts.
February 4, 2008 at 3:23 am · Filed under Bad days, Schedule, Totally off track, figuring it all out, walk it out and tagged: weekly goals; need some comments; psychoanalyze myself
Note to self: Once I get off track, it’s hard for me to get back on. An aunt of mine once said, “You’re an all or nothing type of girl.” Unfortunately, I think she was on to something. The past two weeks were full of things that I had not planned for. And so I resorted to the “nothing” default.
While I knew they were coming, I had not taken the time to let my mind wrap around what those things would mean for my goals. The wedding (and reception), my mother’s visit, a field trip out of town with students, etc. I let myself have a “break,” as if feeding myself large amounts of crap was a reward. I have to stop thinking of food as life’s main pleasure.
I can’t remember whether I have mentioned this before, but I have a tendency to disconnect from reality and to live in my day dreams and thoughts. That might make me sound loony, but it’s true. I can go through weeks just preoccupied with the thoughts in my mind. Sometimes, I think that I might be clinically depressed, but I just try to push on through it. I have periods where I “wake up,” but I can definitely sink into another world, and just go through my real life like a smiling, nodding zombie. In fact, I have to work hard not to go into that world. When I think about it, I can remember, as a child and teenager, my mother frequently telling me to “snap out of it.”
Since professional counseling is not an option at the moment (ummm….copays are expensive..Nah, I choose to pay my never ending mountain of damned credit card bills….) I’ll just do as my mother suggests and pray about it. At least I know that I have a problem. And that’s the first step, right?
So, the point of this tangent is to say that I kind of went into a zone in a not good way this past week, as I thought about bills, debt, grad school plans, the election, the plight of working mothers, day care issues etc. and I stopped focusing on what I eat. I just ordered what I wanted. “What about your goals Mjaay?” you ask…Completely forgot about them. Plus, (sorry for this TMI…be forewarned) my “auntie” was visiting for the week, so PMS was an excuse to buy chocolate and salty junk.
I was looking for excuses to feed my anxiety, and I used all the events of the past two weeks to do it. Now that things have calmed down (although The Little One has an ear infection, strep throat, and is gettining in FIVE new teeth at the same time, so I don’t think it’s that calm!!) I can realize what I’ve down. I’m trying not to beat up myself too much (and I feel guilty because the last few posts here have been whiny…), just trying to be honest with myself so that I can recognize things and move on.
So, here are some personal goals for this week. And I am trying to make them simple, because sometimes, I do “too much” and make these big plans (did I mention that I am very much a perfectionist?!) and then I can’t follow thru, so I don’t do anything.
Here goes something:
1) exercise every day for an hour
2) eat breakfast every day
3) drink at least 10 glasses of water a day
4) take my lunch and snacks to work.
That’s it for now.
Please think good thoughts for me. And as always, I love comments!
Peace,
Mjaay
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