Note to self: Once I get off track, it’s hard for me to get back on. An aunt of mine once said, “You’re an all or nothing type of girl.” Unfortunately, I think she was on to something. The past two weeks were full of things that I had not planned for. And so I resorted to the “nothing” default.

While I knew they were coming, I had not taken the time to let my mind wrap around what those things would mean for my goals. The wedding (and reception), my mother’s visit, a field trip out of town with students, etc. I let myself have a “break,” as if feeding myself large amounts of crap was a reward. I have to stop thinking of food as life’s main pleasure.

I can’t remember whether I have mentioned this before, but I have a tendency to disconnect from reality and to live in my day dreams and thoughts. That might make me sound loony, but it’s true. I can go through weeks just preoccupied with the thoughts in my mind. Sometimes, I think that I might be clinically depressed, but I just try to push on through it. I have periods where I “wake up,” but I can definitely sink into another world, and just go through my real life like a smiling, nodding zombie. In fact, I have to work hard not to go into that world. When I think about it, I can remember, as a child and teenager, my mother frequently telling me to “snap out of it.”

Since professional counseling is not an option at the moment (ummm….copays are expensive..Nah, I choose to pay my never ending mountain of damned credit card bills….) I’ll just do as my mother suggests and pray about it. At least I know that I have a problem. And that’s the first step, right?

So, the point of this tangent is to say that I kind of went into a zone in a not good way this past week, as I thought about bills, debt, grad school plans, the election, the plight of working mothers, day care issues etc. and I stopped focusing on what I eat. I just ordered what I wanted. “What about your goals Mjaay?” you ask…Completely forgot about them. Plus, (sorry for this TMI…be forewarned) my “auntie” was visiting for the week, so PMS was an excuse to buy chocolate and salty junk.

I was looking for excuses to feed my anxiety, and I used all the events of the past two weeks to do it. Now that things have calmed down (although The Little One has an ear infection, strep throat, and is gettining in FIVE new teeth at the same time, so I don’t think it’s that calm!!) I can realize what I’ve down. I’m trying not to beat up myself too much (and I feel guilty because the last few posts here have been whiny…), just trying to be honest with myself so that I can recognize things and move on.

So, here are some personal goals for this week. And I am trying to make them simple, because sometimes, I do “too much” and make these big plans (did I mention that I am very much a perfectionist?!) and then I can’t follow thru, so I don’t do anything.

Here goes something:

1) exercise every day for an hour

2) eat breakfast every day

3) drink at least 10 glasses of water a day

4) take my lunch and snacks to work.

That’s it for now.

Please think good thoughts for me. And as always, I love comments!

Peace,

Mjaay